Do you unwittingly avoid discussing certain subjects? Do you typically answer the question asked or the question you think you were asked? When an argument ensues, do you respond by accusing others of what they accuse you of? If so, maybe this pearl can help you to better communicate with others by having honest discussions instead of heated arguments.
Definitions: It helps to distinguish the difference between an argument and a discussion. A discussion is: “an earnest, rational conversation of a subject”, which can only proceed when we respond in an honest and direct manner. An argument is: “a heated verbal dialogue of conflicting points of view”, which usually involves anger, offensive statements and avoidance of uncomfortable topics.
A Personal Note: When I discuss a topic that involves humans I will always refer to them in terms of their genetic personality; that is my most valuable tool because it is consistent and gets to the heart of things instead of just spouting unsupported opinions. Refer to the attached PDF on "Genetic Human Personality" if you need to brush up on it.
Part-2 of this series on Human Communication deals with speaking, which includes stating our opinions and reacting to questions. When we rationally discuss a subject of mutual interest we give our opinions and we listen to others—but maybe not. A rational discussion can be fruitful or it can turn into an argument when there are strong differences of opinion—especially when emotions are triggered. Most discussions include asking and answering questions, but when the answer avoids the question it can be frustrating and turn into an argument.
You ask questions, whether it is part of a discussion or not, because you need information. If you ask a complete stranger you will get a more direct answer than if you asked someone who knows you well. That's because a stranger only knows what was asked and has no history with you. Someone who knows you well may assume why you asked the question and answer the why instead of the question asked. For example, you may ask your spouse, “Did you feed the pets?” and get the answer, “They don’t like that new canned food you got them.” which didn’t answer whether the pets were fed or are starving to death. Sometimes the question may trigger a problem in a relationship, for example, not having enough income when asked, “Did you pay that electric bill?” and get the answer “We need to use less air conditioning, the bills are very high.” which didn’t answer whether the bill was paid or whether your electricity will be shut off.
People digress/divert from the question asked for many reasons. Some digress when they don’t know the answer. For example, you may ask a friend who eats out a lot: “Do you know where that new French restaurant is downtown?” and get the answer, “I haven’t been downtown in weeks”, not having a clue as to where the restaurant is.
People may digress when they feel guilty about what is being asked of them. For example you may ask a friend who crashed his car and put his girlfriend in the hospital, “How is Sally doing?” and get the answer “It really wasn’t my fault, it was raining and very dark out there.” instead of indicating whether Sally is doing well or is dead.
People may digress when you bring up something negative, for example you may ask a friend who lost her job, “Did you get another job yet?” and get the answer “You know, it’s very hard to find my kind of work in this town.” instead of answering whether she got a job or is living out of her car.
Non-Direct Answers Can Cause Arguments:
Other than not providing the information desired, the major problem with not directly answering a question is that it can lead to frustration and an argument. It can start by asking a simple question such as in the examples above, not getting a direct answer and provoking an argument with the person who finds it difficult to answer the question. Our personality usually determines whether we will provoke an argument when seeking answers. Strong directors need a direct, decisive answer to get something done and may ask the question again, expressing anger and possibly starting an argument. Strong analyzers may need details to proceed and may ask similar questions to get a direct answer—or if not they usually drop the subject. Strong socializers may start a playful argument just to continue a conversation. Strong relators will avoid an argument by dropping the question they asked altogether with an “oh, never mind”. The bottom line is that strong directors don’t care if they start an argument and that strong analyzers, relators and even socializers would rather drop the subject once an argument ensues. Arguments will happen when we get angry, even when our anger emotion and director style are naturally weak. When conversing, we should avoid all levels of anger—anywhere from annoyance, frustration and irritation to anger, hatred and rage.
Rational discussions deteriorate into emotional arguments when neither side wants to listen to the other side’s point of view, but instead just vent. Arguments also arise when one person accusingly echoes back the same question/narrative. For example, person-1 may say “it really annoys me when you do that” and person-2 echoes back, “yea, but you do that too…” instead of taking responsibility for doing that, which would probably avoid an argument. This tit for tat is neither a discussion nor an argument; it is just a litany of accusations thrown back and forth; typically not germane to the discussion.
Similarly, you should literally walk away from a "straw-man argument" when someone refutes you with a diatribe of flagrantly false statements hyping their unrelated agenda and acting as if you were made of straw (like a scarecrow) who couldn’t possibly respond.
A topic can remain a discussion and not descend into an argument if you avoid expressing any level of anger, “step outside yourself” to appreciate the other person’s point of view, and respond directly and rationally no matter how diametrically opposed your opinions. Stepping outside yourself means just that; you totally ignore expressing or even thinking about your own opinions and attentively listen to the other person's opinions using your reator style. When you do, you will find that you share some of their opinions, which will create a basis for mutual respect and a more open dialogue.
I hope that these concepts of listening and speaking were helpful and that your future will embrace many more positive discussions than negative arguments. It also helps to always be aware of your own genetic personality strengths and weaknesses when conversing with others.
These concepts of human communication should be kept in mind when reading the next five-part series: “Dealing with Emotionally Distraught People”, which uses this "stepping outside yourself" technique to help calm down distraught people.
